funerals

Been thinking about funerals lately.  No one I know died recently; it's just something I've been thinking about.
I remember my friend's dad died a few years ago.  He was very sick, and passed away in his sweatpants.  So my friend and her family didn't know what else to bury him, and they knew he wouldn't care, so they buried him in his sweatpants.  And everyone finds that so odd. I say "that's awesome!" I mean come on, even if they buried him in a suit, what would they do with the sweatpants and sweatshirt? donate them to GoodWill? Fact: no one wants death clothes.

A lot of people are buried in suits, and nice dresses, and such, and for the longest time I didn't understand why.  But now I do.

A funeral is a time for everyone to come and pay their respects to the deceased.  As for the deceased: it's their last Hurrah; their last party! and it IS a party:
1. people who love you
2. chatter
3. sometimes music
4. food
5. common theme
It is totally a party whether you admit it or not!
And at your last party, everyone dresses up in their nicest depressing attire; which is why you, the corpse in question, is also dressed for success.
Which is why I'm pretty sure my friend's dad had a closed-casket ceremony; if he were exposed in his sweats, he would put everyone at risk of feeling awkward for being overdressed in comparison to the deceased.


Funerals have another "last" thing that many overlook: the casket.
As Jerry Seinfeld once said, "we base our lives around boxes."
when we are born, we sleep in a box, we live in a big, sturdy, box.  when we move to another box, we use boxes, to move our stuff.
-and that's always the biggest issue isn't it?
i need boxes. where can i get boxes? i'm moving in 2 weeks and i need boxes for all my crap.
where are you moving to Bill? 
who cares? do you have any boxes?
And then we die.  And we are put into that final box.  

Doomsday

Due to safety regulations and what-not, my school is required to partake in a fire drill, earthquake drill, and lockdown drill.  To be more efficient, we did them all at the same time.

Apparently this is exactly what is supposed to happen in the event of Doomsday:
1.     an earthquake occurs and a bunch of high school students are expected to fit under their desks in order to protect themselves.  When we realize this is hopeless, we choose our most important body part and put it under the desk.

2.     then an intruder enters the school and tries to kill everyone.  We remain under our gum-covered shield and turn off the lights.  anyone still outside is left to fend for themselves.  We can only hope that said intruder doesn't break our windows and start shooting at everyone.

3.     then for some reason the school bursts into flames.  We disregard the ongoing earthquake and stranger-danger and walk with our classes in a single-file line through the heart of our burning, quaking, crumbling, criminal infested, 50-year old establishment of education -which is also under construction- along with over 3,000 other people to get to our 2-entrance only football field which is hopefully not on fire or reduced to a gaping hole.

4.    after that, we stand there as our teachers count us to see who is still alive.

flUsh wounds

In honor of Halloween coming up, I've decided to write a terrible tale.  One which cannot be avoided, haunts you dreams and steals your children. Enjoy 

I tried pulling the flushy thing once.... twice... three times.  A little bead of sweat formed for every second it didn't go down.

I glared at that strong&soft paper with scorn.  It was like wiping with an angel tunic a minute ago but that's all in the past.  If it weren't so freakin fluffy I wouldn't be in this situation.  Who buys a low-flow and Charmin Ultra and puts them in the same room?

Holding my feeble breath, my shaking fingers gripped the flushy thing one more time.  It was cold in my grasp despite my constant tugging.  Thankfully more water came and the bowl filled up more and more and just when I thought I'd avoided catastrophe -it doesn't go down.
I quickly looked for a plunger but it was nowhere to be found.  All that was left was to pray... to the toilet.
"Please don't do this to me, I don't know these people very well, you know it's not my faulllllllt!"
But it had no mercy.  Saturated yellow and and brown rose to my doom.

why i am apart of the new minority with a fake religion

SAT's ruin happiness.
the stress
the expectations 
how every question is defining your future
the constant anxiety of running out of sharp pencils
and of course the preparations: PSAT's

Today I took said prepitory (is that a word?) test and let me tell you, it was... interesting.
Though I was pretty much sworn in or something (more like told in a stern voice by the teacher who was instructed by an official piece of paper to speak in a stern voice) to never talk about the test and its content with other students, I've decided to bend the rules and sort-of do it anyway.

At the beginning of the test you have to fill out a lot of crap with your name and address and school yada yada yada.  So I get to the ethnicity section and I see all these politically correct ethnicities (godforbid i say "race" because all of mankind is "one race" and if you say "race" then you are a "racist" which sounds a lot like "rapist"): African American, Latino American, Native American, Asian American, the list goes on and on and then there is White.  Not Caucasian.  Not even White American.  Juuuuuust white.

*Assuming incredibly sarcastic tone*
and i for one find that offensive!  How dare the PSAT reduce me down to just white?!  I'm an American! And a legal one at that!  An individual!  My people are a great ethnicity, and I for one refuse to take it!  It is true that my people did not treat others as equals at one time or another, but that is a thing of the past and we are not all alike.  Do you think of us to be so lowly that it is necessary to strip us of our Caucasioness?!


Anyway after a good 2 minutes of uncontrollable laughter in my head, I got to the religion section.  The first choice is "prefer not to say" or something that; the last one is "no relgion" or something like that; and inbetween is rather large selection of faiths to chose from so naturally I look for mine.  Technically, I am an "evangelical free christian".... it wasn't on the list.  There was a variety of buddhist, hindu, catholic, baptist, lutheran etc religions.  But not evangelical free.  Not even just plain christian. Not even a box marked "other"... according to the official list of PSAT religions, the only ones out there are on that list or nonexistent. so what box did i mark?  i marked the "prefer not to say" box.  you can't list my freakin religion on your freakin list or even give me the option of "other"? Really?

So anyway, this entire predicament kept me pretty entertained for the next 4 hours of testing.

My name is Lauren the Evangelical Free Caucasian-White-American Christian and I approve this message.

Just Another Ordinary Day

Today I woke up and downloaded the Song "Accidentally In Love" by Counting Crows from the Shrek 2 soundtrack... yeah, you're jealous.

Went to my digital photography class (still listening to the song) and had a grand old time messing with photos.  

I then merrily skipped to my Marine Biology class where we graded the homework and then went to an Invisible Children Assembly.  Where my heart was touched by the millions of needy children... and the Counting Crows....

After that I had lunch (still listening to song)... more or less.  My friend, Sheila and i walked around the school attached at the earphones :P

Then just as lunch ended... my iPod died

Needless to say, I didn't take it very well.

(BTW, i listened to that one song for 6 hours straight)

So anyway I went to English and one would think that would be my day....

well it wasn't ;)

Tonight, I went to the library to look at SAT practice books (fun read, good plotline) 

and as soon i got in my car to go home i had the urge to go buy some Disney princess coloring books.

(Specifically coloring books starring the characters of Tangled, disney's new movie based on Rapunzel...)

So I go to Wal*Mart and they don't have any.

However... they did have Tangled dolls and well... how can you not laugh at this?

ah the Flynn Rider action figure doll thing.  It brings back memories of how literally "dolling" something up can totally destroy any respect for any character and/or actor

for example:

Jacob Black never fails to creep me out

Scrutinization of a Beloved Fairy Tale

Over the past 11 days I’ve a lot of blog ideas and even created some doodles to go along with them.  However I have not had the time nor motivation to do so…. Just like everything else in life.............Anywho, I figured I ought to get back on everything I’ve neglected starting with this and a load of laundry (bleh stupid laundry in its stupid orange basket. mocking me with its dirtiness….) So today’s subject: RAPUNZEL (please note that if you haven't heard this story before, this entire article won't make sense) The story of a beautiful girl locked in a tower with really really really long hair. it doesn't make sense. Our story begins with a couple expecting their first child, when, just like every other pregnant woman on Earth, the wife starts craving random things, among them is rapunzel.  So the husband sneaks into a witch's garden to steal some. Alright so is the market too far away? Is the only rapunzel to be found in the whole wide world in that garden?  Is that rapunzel so special that the wife can't possibly have any other rapunzel but the rapunzel from the witch's garden?  Can they not afford rapunzel (in which case, it's probably not such a good idea to have a baby)? ...juuuuuuusssst sayin..... Next, what if Rapunzel was a boy?  How would that work?  Rapunzel got her name because of how exactly she came into the possession of the witch.  Would her name still be Rapunzel had she been a boy?  I don't know.  When the witch locks him in the tower would Boypunzel still have to grow out his hair.  Would he be embarrassed by that or does he not know the length of most men's hair....**tee-hee they would call him Gaypunzel if he was ever exposed to the real world, poor lad. Speaking of which, whatever gender this character is, (which i suppose is irrelevant considering, Rapunzel is a girl period) is it entirely necessary for them to grow out their hair so the witch can climb it? How did Rapunzel get up there in the first place?  Couldn't the witch use the same method to get into the tower rather than making the poor girl having to grow out her hair just to be used to be used as a rope? (what's a tower doing in the forest?) Also the witch is dressed like a nun.  why? Star Wars Fan Anyone?    I rest my case.

Horoscopes

Back in my day, there were these silly little things called "star signs."  You see, there is a theory in which everyone is born under a constellation which will determine their lives, you could read about this in a "horoscope,".... and everyone bought into it.

Now back in my day, when I was young and naive (which is pretty much my entire life, but in this case it was when I was 9),  I truly thought said stars controlled my life, however I wasn't interested enough to actually open the newspaper every morning and follow my horoscope.

After a while (longer than I'm proud to admit) I figured out that this whole star sign thing was a hoax and horoscopes and overviews of people born under the sign were generic enough to fit anyone.

However I will most definitely use the zodiac later in life (my horoscope told me so) to better my pursuit in becoming an awesome old lady.  I know I am doomed to lose my mind in my old age, it's in my genes, but what better way to lose your mind than in greatness?

Allow me in illustrate:

My Quest

My greatest fear is public speaking.  All joking and smiling fezes aside, it's true.  Talking in front of large groups of people is pretty freaky, but what's even freakier is one on one speaking as i addressed in my previous animations.

There's no way out of it either.  you're pretty much forced to interact with people or else you're alone and it either goes well, or it doesn't.

Don't get me wrong, I love people and talking with people. i actually handle people quite well; but TinyMe in my head is freaking out.
          You're dressed really weirdly today, maybe you should do laundry more often then you would have more clothes to choose from at a time
          Don't say "Berma" don't say "Berma"
          Does this person really like me or are they looking for an excuse to stop talking to me.  I'm looking for an excuse to stop talking to them so if I bring it up it won't be awkward right? RIGHT?
         Does this person really like me or are they looking for an excuse to stop talking to me.  I really hope not because I really like talking to them
         I'm hungry

After social interaction:
Oh look it's SoAndSo from yesterday I think I will have another social interaction with them, oh how I enjoy their company :)
"Why yes SoAndSo, tacos are quite delicious."

Public Speaking

My biggest fear is most definitely public speaking. Unlike other petty fears like death and terrorists, my unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, a threat, or the likelihood of some unwelcome happening is quite legit.


Why is this? Why is public speaking scary?  Well my friends, it is simply this: people are frightening in general with their judgmental eyes, disproving expression, smiling fez and nose-picking fingers acting like they don't give a rat's ass what you're saying but they do; oh yes they do.

Even the unfezed people are scary!  Try striking up conversation with people you don't know, it's awkward and i wouldn't wish it upon anyone.  You can't talk to random people like you do with normal people, you just can't!

CONVERSATION WITH NORMAL PEOPLE:

CONVERSATION WITH RANDOM PERSON:

CONVERSATION WITH RANDOM ATTRACTIVE PERSON:

public speaking and just getting to know people in general is scary, but i must do it, for it is my quest.

Overcoming Your Fears

According to multiple websites with questionable reliability, people are afraid of a lot of things.  Most of which are just because people are applesauce-eating pansies! Not to say I have anything against applesauce, or any other almost-liquid-food, but nevertheless, there is obviously a problem with the world (or at least the people who were surveyed).

Anyway, just because I don't have anything better to do on a Friday night than sit around in my boyfriend jeans (that's boyfriend jeans, not boyfriend's jeans) I shall help to find new and innovative ways to conquer the fears of the world.
You're welcome.

GHOSTS  How to Get Rid of a Ghost and/or KKK member:

DOGS  I can't support this, dogs are awesome.
How to get rid of a dog: just suck it up and freakin walk away from it


REGISTERED MAIL How to Avoid Registered Mail:
1. Get a P.O. Box
---when filling out paperwork that will lead to something you don't want to see in your mailbox, have it sent to a P.O. Box where you can look at it when you want to, or never ;)
2. Get a "P.O." Box
---when filling out paperwork that will lead to something you don't want to see in your mailbox, use a different address, preferably someone you hate who would never suspect you
3. Fire

SELF DYING OF TERMINAL ILLNESS Overcoming  the Fear of Death:

1. Accept the fact that everyone dies someday and when your time comes, it will come.  Celebrate Day of The Dead.  It's a Mexican Holiday celebrating those who have passed on, it's very eye-opening and stuff.

2. Accept God into your life and conquer death through him.

3. Fire

NUCLEAR WARS/ TERRORIST ATTACKS Bombs & You:
Option 1   Understand nuclear energy and terrorists better.  Work at a plant and make friends with terrorists.  Learn their ways and why their ways are their ways.  Make them your own.  When the time is right use your job at the plant for the good of an attack.  It'll cost lives, but you won't fear nuclear wars or terrorists ever again.
Option 2    Understand nuclear energy and terrorists better.  Learn how to prevent nuclear wars and terrorism and use that knowledge to be apart of the solution. 
Option 3   Fire